A is for …..

Dr. Amos Maradonna

Dr. Amos Maradonna is the Registrar for the Whole of Medicine. Although often given a bad press, Amos is in fact deeply in love with the idea of Medicine. It's just a shame about all the random parts that come with it - physios, OTs, ward referrals…..

Dr. Angie Anderson

Angie is the mother of the group. With about 92 children of her own, she knows the ins and outs of paracetamol, traumatic diarrhoea and is always on hand to administer some much-needed Calpol.

A and E

Standing for 'Alcohol and Ethanol', this is a pretty succint description of the local A and E department as most of the admissions tend to relate back to these substances in at least one way.

B is for …..

Dr. Butterworth-Jenkins

Tally-ho! Edward Butterworth Jenkins originally hails from a rather posh part of Edinburgh. Having graduated from Oxford in 1998, Edward likes drinking port, 'hunting with the boys' and polo. Rumour has it that once, he even wasted Prince Charles in a dead-heat polo tournament, which would also explain why he has to make do with down-and-out Scottish deadbeat town hospitals and not his rightful place as the Queen's Physician.

Bleep

Instrument of torture devised by Consultants and little-known admin staff to ensure that Junior Doctors' lives are made as miserable as possible. Almost always guaranteed to go off at lunchtimes, busy meetings, and in the middle of rectal examinations. And 4.55pm. And especially when you're just about to put that really difficult venflon in. Oh yes, that's another favourite time. Also a swear word for under-12s.

Dr. Douglas Berkley

Dr. Berkeley actually discovered a cure for cancer in 1983, but the Americans stole it from him and it was inadvertently lost overboard in a tragic shipping accident somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean. Faced with the promise of what might have been, Dr. Berkeley now works in the Royal Scottish Hospital where he tirelessly tends to the bowels of the local population.

C is for…..

Dr. Charles 'Chuck' Carter

"Get Carter" became the motto of the Hospital Staff, approximately 1 week after Chuck came to work at the hospital. Then they realised that he was always that sarcastic to everyone. Despite his unbelievably satirical piss-takes on his colleagues, Chuck is a true friend and can always be relied upon for that after-work drink or twenty.

D is for…..

Dr. Daisy Dashwood

The heroine of this diary. At Medical School, was voted Most Likely to be mauled to death by a lion. Likes : pink, chocolate and Dr. John Jones. Dislikes: PMS, scary movies and incontinent old men. Attracts Alcoholics and horny old men.

Detox

What alcoholics go through when their Giros run out. Most of the hospital, staff included, are going through detox.

Decants

Every night, the nurses bleep one unlucky JHO and demand that they decant off at least 10 patients to the surgical wards. Once installed there, they will gasp and pant their way through the day until the surgical Sister finally loses it and bleeps every House Officer in rapid succession until they are seen by some medic, any medic!

E is for…..

Dr. Everest Park

Taciturn Dr. Park is most likely to be found in his beloved Cath Lab where he does things to coronary arteries. He went to Medical School in the hitherto unknown area of Lincoln where he excelled in treating patients by telling them to 'keep a stiff upper lip' and did his MD thesis on the Treatment of Cardiomyopathy and Butter. 'Park' isn't actually his real name: it's really an acronym for 'Patients are really for killing'. Unless they're cardiology patients, in which case he lovingly tends to them and tries to get into their vessels.

ECG

Wavy lines on a pink piece of paper designed to baffle medical students and Orthopaedic Surgeons alike.

F is for…..

Dr. Arthur Flett

Your archetypal kindly Geriatrician, Dr. Flett loves everyone. Especially old people. All those crummy admissions that no-one else wants to deal with - alcoholic grannies, old men with non-specific UTIs who will moulder away for 5 months, demented ladies who will never see home again. Dr. Flett loves them.

G is for…..

Dr. Gordon McDonald

The most harassed member of the Team, SHO Gordon always seems to get the scum of the population at his door. Conspired against by the rota, at the last count, Gordon had worked 28 out of a possible 36 nights - and don't even get him started on the days!

GP

Individual who calls you up at 10pm on a Friday night with an 'urgent referral' which is usually something along the lines of a dementing 90 year old who can't cope. Or an overdose if Gordon's on.

H is for …..

Help

Horny Drug Reps

Quite a few of these covering the Royal Scottish Hospital. Lecherous and characteristically ugly men who prey on the female House Officers and persistently urge the staff to 'bugger the meal, let's just go and get pissed'.

Horoscopes

How the most important medical decisions are made.

I is for…..

Injections

Sharp, pointy pieces of metal that get bigger in direct proportion to how much the SHO dislikes the patient.

Incontinence

A good way of avoiding blood tests.

J is for…..

Dr. Janey Dowling

Your archetypal dizzy blonde SHO. Just as Daisy attracts alcoholics and Gordon attracts overdoses, so Janey has a magnetism for Horny Drug Reps and Lecherous Old Men. She got into Medicine after watching ER and after fighting down her initial impulse to tread the catwalk, decided to go flirt with the hunky male doctors instead. Unfortunately for her, the Royal Scottish Hospital does not, as yet, have any of those lurking about. But she can still dream.

Dr. John Jones

Sexy Welshman John Jones is the tall, dark and serious member of the Team. Daisy has been secretly in love with John for the last 2 months but has not found a way to break this to him yet. John quite likes Daisy too, but doesn't think that she would be interested in him. After all, he does wear a tie with sheep prancing about on it. Likes : Sloe Gin, climbing mountains and sheep. Dislikes : Alcoholics, Coronation Street and PRs.

K is for…..

Dr. Kylie Sinclair

Petite blonde Consultant who attracts fat, overweight diabetic men who moan about 'not being able to lose weight' and then secretly cram in the pies whilst Dr. Sinclair watches their HbA1Cs rocket skywards.

Kardex

Confusing array of boxes created by Pharmacists that always needs rewriting. Usually contains 3 drugs on 5 separate pieces of paper and the one drug that the patient needs is the one drug which you haven't prescribed. You will be bleeped.

L is for…..

Dr. Laurence Seldinger

Cuddly and cheerful Laurence is just how a teddy bear would look if it were an ex-Anaesthetist-turned-GP-Trainee. Always a good person to have on the crash team, when others are looking the other way in a respiratory arrest, Dr. Seldinger is right in there with the ETT.

Labs

People who go home at 5pm and whom the JHO bleeps at 5.30pm without fail over an 'urgent blood'. Blood goes in and numbers come out. Isn't it amazing?

M is for…..

Dr. Mary Christensen

Holier-than-thou Mary recently installed a swearbox in the Doctor's Room. So far, it has been largely ignored by everyone apart from Charles who takes great delight in effing and blinding in front of it. Mary is not impressed. But her secret love of Edward keeps her going, where she entertains fantasies of 2.4 children, a house in the country and a fleet of Golden Retrievers.

Dr. Poppy Merryweather

Poppy once sailed around the world but a rogue wind blew her off course and she ended up in the middle of Loch Ness where she was found ketotic and raving by a student nurse. They brought her in and in an extreme rush of gratitude, she offered to work for Dr. Berkley, an act she has bitterly regretted ever since. Poppy has a secret crush on Darren. But then, who doesn't?

Morgue

Unstable place where bodies roll off shelves at the drop of a hat. Where you go before the crem forms get filled out and what Chuck laughing refers to as 'that big refrigerator in the sky'.

N is for…..

Nurses

Can make or break your day. Inside cult who wear regulation uniform of blue on white with fetching epaulettes. Must never be disturbed from handovers or coffee breaks at all costs. Don't make good future patients and if you take nothing else away from this godforsaken A to Z, NEVER cross an ex-nurse relative. Always pretend you're listening to them, even if you're miles away.

Notes

Random assortments of jumbled up pieces of paper which invariably end up in Raigmore if you're in ARI and Glasgow Royal if you're in ARI - you get the picture.

O is for…..

Outpatients

People who get admitted with syncopal rhythms when the bed quotient is filled.

On-call

Period of time you have which invariably coincides with that week you had planned in Barbados.

P is for…..

Pharmacy

Bunch of people who wear comedy ties with test tubes on them and who don't like patients being discharged after 3pm. But they have a mean handle on inhaler technique!

Psychiatry

Psychiatry have come up with some of the most quality referrals ever. Like their request for a man to be seen by the medics because he 'felt a bit hypertensive'.

Q is for…..

Quack

1 : Noise made by a duck.
2 : Psychiatrist.

R is for…..

Results

A waste of paper.

Resus

Why bother?

Rehabilitation

Process undergone by recovering alcoholics and the elderly. Entails several months spent in the Geriatric wing, where you argue loudly and dementedly with the JHO and throw tea at the floor in random acts of rage.

S is for…..

Dr. Darren Stringfellow

"Stringy", as he is affectionately known, is second only to Amos in the gigolo stakes. On first name terms with all the nurses, Darren never has a problem finding a willing pair of (female) hands to make him a cup of tea (black, no sugar). Although he has a (probably richly deserved) reputation with the ladies, Darren is a fantastic Doctor and gives a damn good shoulder massage. We recently heard a rumour that he was embracing the idea of monogamy as well. Watch this space.

Stethoscope

Effective method of transferring MRSA from patient to patient. Most stephs are hoaching with Candida, Streps and Bacteroides. If you're lucky, your medical student will clean it for you. But more often than not, they prefer to lift the sterets for their own secret supplies where they sit around and get high on sniffing them at night.

Stoned Pony

Pub where the Medical Team (see below) gather for rare nights out and get hideously plastered and groped by random patients on the sly.

T is for…..

Team

The Medical Family. A close-knit unit where everyone bonds over the Wednesday night antics.

Tourniquet

Gold dust. Doctors are willing to sell their souls and sleep with the drug reps in order to obtain these rare and valuable items.

U is for…..

Uncle Amos

Much loved and respected member of the medical family. Always willing to phone and abuse the nursing staff for inappropriate behaviour towards the JHOs. See above.

Urine

Substance found aplenty in the Geriatric Unit. Gives Doctors something to blame for old people deteriorating, as in "Nurse" Get a urine sample on this man. I think he has a UTI."

V is for…..

Venesections

Bloody awful procedures involving a 7 inch needle and restraints on the unfortunate patient. Done in the day case unit. JHOs draw straws to see who can get out of doing these.

Venflon

Piece of plastic impossible to get in the vein, and if you do get it in, the patient will pull it out in 5 minutes anyway.

Venupuncture

As above, but with smaller needles. Number of venupunctures increases dramatically whenever staffing is in short supply, especially when the weekend phlebotomy service if drastically reduced, i.e. when JHOs piss off the Day Case Unit Sister.

W is for….

Warfarin

Least favourite drug ever. How to prescribe warfarin : patient's age divided by number of letters in their name and round it up to the nearest whole number divisible by 7. It is VITAL that the INR¹ be checked whenever there is a reduced phlebotomy service.

1 : Inappropriate nursing request/I need Red Bull

X is for…..

X-Ray

People who exists to locate bottles and lightbulbs which go missing up unusual orifices. Staffed by Radiologists - Doctors who can't stand patients and don't really like other Doctors either. Or people. Lock themselves up in dark rooms and see everything only in black and white. Take out their extreme rage on Junior Doctors requesting scans.

Y is for…..

Young, impressionable Medical Students
Sweet and innocent beings, as yet untainted by the inner political workings of the hospital. Usual habitat is a pub somewhere or bed, and can usually be found face down in a pool of vomit. Skive off a lot to go drinking. Try (and fail) to take bloods, usually knackering the one remaining vein in the process.

Z is for…..

Zzzzzzzz

Noise not frequently emitted by Doctors. Except Dermatologists.